My fifth gade teacher once made me write an apology letter for being too competitive. We were playing some game where you had to freeze when the music stopped. If he saw you moving, you were out. Mr. J said I was moving when I wasn't. I was out, which wasn't fair. I deserved to pass that round and maybe go on to win. I recall that my apology was something to the nature of, "sorry I'm not sorry that I want to win. It's done be well so far."
I'm still not sorry. What I've always loved about running is the lack of subjectivity in the sport. If I run a 20 minute 5K and you run a 20:01, I win. I've carried this attitude into my fitness training and it's haunting me a little tonight. My initial plans never included going rock climbing tonight. I only go because it's free on Wednesday nights. I started going because I'm pretty afraid of heights - not all heights though. I love rollercoasters and I can handle planes, but there's something about being suspended or openly high above the ground that bugs me. Anyway, I didn't plan to go, but Emily and I decided we would. This decision was made when it was still warm and sunny...it's no longer warm and sunny and I don't want to leave my apartment. Plus, I have a test tomorrow. I have NO idea what to expect, so I ought to be studying.
So I'm being haunted by my competitiveness. I had said I would go climb rocks at the rec. If I'm going to be reflective about this, I would have to say that what's making me feel guilty right now is competition, but that competitive nature is being fueled by something I don't want it to be fueled by. When I was younger, I think I was competitive in and of itself. It's different now. Hopefully as I continue this blog, you'll get to know me better and understand the statement I'm about to make. You may already understand the statement, as it's something very prevalent in our culture... I feel guilty about not climbing rocks because some part of me wants to burn the calories that I would engaging in that activity. When we made the plans, I was genuinely excited, but even then, some part of me was thinking about weight loss. Don't worry - this isn't an unsafe thought in any way. Like I said, I think future writing will give you a lot of insight into why I think this way and maybe even some motivation or inspiration for yourself.
I completed a large chunk of my childhood years in a culture that interacted with the people around me, my activities, my mind, and my own body to make me learn to hate my body. When I was about 11 years old, I loved what my body could do. And then I didn't love it so much anymore. It gained weight, 30 pounds, actually, between 8th and the middle of 9th grade. That weight made me slow in comparison to what I used to be. After that 30 pounds came on, some of my coaches started tiptoe-ing around the issue of weight. That didn't last long because my times said it all: I was done. My parents didn't tiptoe because they're parents and wouldn't be sued. They hired a personal trainer for me, who made some suggestions, which included restricting my caloric intake to 1200 calories per day. I cheated, of course. But this explains the weight loss comment. For me, this justifies it.
That was about ten years ago and as I tell some of my friends, I'm finally getting over this. See? I've made some progress already, but I want more. I can say pretty objectively that I am a healthy weight. At 5'8" and approximately 155 pounds, I feel okay, but not satisfied by any means. The magic number of my past was 135 pounds. However, I know I'd look pretty gross at that weight now that I'm no longer a little girl. In short, weight is still in the back of my mind, but it is no longer front and center until I begin getting competitive with myself. Perhaps I should write an apology note to my body for being so competitive with it. But I still don't think I'm sorry...
Week 3 Wednesday
Dead legs = success. In physiology last semester, I absorbed a little about afferent feedback from the muscles to the cardiovascular system. My legs haven't felt heavy (dead) for ages, so I'm excited that they're rebuilding themselves to be stronger and turn faster times. I ran three miles today without my iPod. My head is not such a scary place to be alone at the moment, so this run was very freeing. This morning, I also did an hour of yoga, my third ever! The instructor caught my attention on her way by and told me that I was executing something perfectly - this made me incredibly happy as body awareness and control is something that I hope to improve upon.
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