What Drives You?

New semester new goals

That last summer project did not work out so well.

As much as I want to start more, I don't think I can without first working on the inner workings of myself. At some point in the break between semesters, I became aware of some problematic feelings I have pretty consistently. Reluctantly, I am in the process of seeking professional help, which is tough being an almost professional myself.

What drove me to that action was refusal to settle with just scraping by. Things feel just "okay" much of the time. Much of the time, things feel terrible. And sometimes, things feel wonderful. The thing is, I'm in a place where things should feel wonderful, "feel" being the key word. Things are wonderful. Tomorrow I'm starting my final year of graduate school, my new job is much more rewarding and safe, and shortly after my last post, my then-boyfriend became my now-fiance. In a time like this, I deserve more than to just feel okay on a good day.

Tomorrow is the first day of a new 16 Week project for balance and stability.

Oy With the Poodles Already

No school no job Gilmore Girls watching.

In addition to reading a ton, moving a ton, and worrying a ton, I have been re-watching the Gilmore Girls series on Netflix. I remember watching this show in high school intrigued by the fast-paced, witty dialogue. Now I just think it's ridiculously unrealistic. If only I could come into money as many times as they do in the show, I probably could have attended an Ivy League college while my parents started their own businesses.

Rory is currently moving into her freshman dorm at Yale. I think watching this show the second time around is causing me to wonder what I would have changed about college or even graduate school given the opportunity. In addition to changing my major(s), my living situations, and my lack of effort during my first two years, I really think I could have engaged in so many more safe sociable experiences. However, how many people actually are the whole package? How many people get to be valedictorian, popular, beautiful, and talented?

I struggle lately because I worry that I failed being competent in any of those domains growing up. I peaked in 8th grade in terms of academics, popularity, beauty/body image and talent. In retrospect, high school and college were an incredibly confusing time for me. I did the best I could, like I continue to do. At least now, I have more resources, more maturity, and a better grasp on what really matters and what is realistic. The strength of my grasp on what matters and what is realistic varies depending on who you ask.

Working in such a destructive environment for me has taught me to value my physical, mental, and emotional health much more than I previously would have. It is what has sparked my desire to get fit again and stay that way this time. To do this, I plan to use milestones, the first of which is this nine-week project. I'll finish up my training with the 5 mile Turkey Trot, then go from there. I don't want to have too many plans because of injuries or setbacks, but so far, everything is going swimmingly. I am embracing every instance of soreness.

Week 1 Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday I walked and ran a couple miles with Jeff around Kent and then attended a Cardio Kick class at the rec center. It was odd to take a kickboxing class again after so long. I knew what my body wanted me to do, but it hurt so much!

Thursday I had the day to myself, so I decided to attend a 50/50 spinning and strength training class. The spinning part was the first spinning class I've taken as a student since I was certified as an instructor in 2013. It was repetitive - possibly because I know what I like and tend to write workouts that reflect what I like as well as what I think other people like. Anyway, I couldn't engage in the strength aspect how I normally would because my soreness is so real.

Among Other Things

Narwhal narwhal swimming in the ocean.

You're welcome.

I sat on my bed and considered for a very long time where I wanted to post tonight - this blog or my wordpress blog. Wordpress is better organized, but this blog means more to me. I started my wordpress blog when I was looking for work, which is why I almost posted there... I'm looking for work again. I can't believe it has been since February that I posted here. Since then, I quit my job and it was the right decision. It's still the right decision, despite several setbacks that I've encountered since then.

I believe I posted that I was looking into assistantships at school in February. I found a great one - it was the perfect position with the perfect hours with the perfect population. And then they turned me down and I was devastated. It would have paid for school, provided a stipend, and enabled me to start (or restart) my life personally and professionally. Fortunately, I just got an interview for a part time position in the mental health field.

I posted here, in part, because my previous position at full-time status absolutely degraded my physical and mental health. During the course of 2015, I've watched my complexion worsen, my hair thin, my weight increase, my anxiety increase exponentially, and my happiness become nearly exclusively dependent on another person. I've been incredibly haunted by the offer for another position I received in January that I turned down and oddly, haunted by the notion that I quit without having a plan. I've been incredibly in need of validation and reassurance that I made the correct decision. I'm slowly working on becoming more self-reliant.

In the meantime, I am constructing some plans - I had three weeks of vacation saved up at my previous job, I've been able to read a lot, and I am undertaking a new exercise project... Nine weeks this time (summer semester is short) instead of 16 starting this week. Just like last time, there will be a lot of cross training, the reintroduction of yoga, and lots of running. Unlike last time, I do not have a culminating athletic event, but I do have a family vacation planned. I would like to go to North Carolina feeling healthy, confident, strong, and comfortable.

Week 1 Monday and Tuesday

Monday I taught spinning and then completed part of the P90X Ab Workout. I got about halfway through because Jeff arrived at my house. One of my largest concerns is how I will attend classes and achieve all my running goals for each week while giving Jeff the attention and activities (Indians games) he deserves.

Tuesday I had a very successful tempo run. This was the first week that I completed three miles of paced distance. My goal was to run 8:50 miles and I finished slightly under that pace.

Welcome Back with Work, School, and Love Updates

Where there is love
There is life.

For some reason, I thought about this project that I started during my last semester of my first master's program. This blog was probably one of the best projects I have taken on. I reread a couple entries and realized how much has changed and how much I have changed since that part of my life.

Following my internship at the Summer Treatment Program, I had the worst time job searching. I ended up at a daycare about 50 minutes from my house for a few months. I learned something very important about myself: I hate toddlers. Infants and preschoolers are amazing, but toddlers are little monsters. I also became certified to teach spinning and had another job at a local recreation center teaching two classes per week. All the while, I was looking for jobs in mental health and was fortunate enough to find a position at an agency based in Cleveland.

I started at that agency in November of 2013. I was quickly given additional responsibilities that enabled me to utilize my degree to help get our clients moving. I was fortunate enough to connect with Liz Ferro, a local woman who runs a non-profit organization called "Girls with Sole." She is also author of the book "Finish Line Feeling," which inspired a lot of my girls. It inspired me too to use my unique talents and story to help others who are not yet in a stable enough place in their lives to recognize their strength.

One client in particular was able to show me how much impact I could have on one life. While our boundaries may have been questionable (she was undoubtedly my favorite client and she viewed me as a mother figure), that seemed to be the relationship she needed to make sense of her troubles. This girl had a lot of trouble - if you imagine all the terrible things you think can happen to a child, apply those to her life and then realize your privilege and recognize that there was even more.

I like to think that my patience and work with her was what prompted my supervisor to invite me to apply for a supervisor position in another unit in the building. I was promoted in July of 2014 and my first day on the job, a crisis in the building ended with two staff members seeking medical attention. The client that caused the injuries was transferred into my unit and three of the most unruly boys that I have had during my time there completed my four-bed unit's clientele. To learn the rules of a new unit, manage staff, keep myself, my staff, and those four ridiculously difficult boys safe, and attend school is still the biggest challenge I have faced since I've last written.

As I just referenced, I started attending school full-time for clinical mental health counseling in May of 2014. I am expected to graduate and have my counseling license in August of 2016. I am still currently working full time as a supervisor and juggling four classes, but performing well in all of them. I am unable to teach spinning at this time due to not being available during peak times for classes, but I'm looking to get a position at my school next semester.

I have yet to mention anything related to the image I chose and now seems like as good a time as any. I have always had the endless love and support of my parents and family. However, around March of 2014, I began going out after some of my shifts with a guy I worked with. He started in February in my unit and I insist (because it's true) that work is the absolute last place I ever wanted to meet someone. I spent the first 24 years of my life basically alone, with the exception of a few high school relationships. And in my first "real job," I met the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I would have chosen to meet him just about anywhere else, but now that I have him, I draw strength from him to be able to do all of the things that I do and it is wonderful. So where there is love, there is life. I would never mean to undermine the love of my family. That has helped tremendously throughout this time. However, there's something about finding one somebody, out of millions of people, who chooses you, that adds so much more to life.

SoulCycle

New dream job?

In the time that I have been "funemployed," people have told me that there's something out there for me. My response has been to feign outrage and demand what everyone is hiding from me. It's as if the entire world knows about this job that's perfect for me, but just doesn't want to say what it is. It's a secret. I have to figure it out myself.

In the past few weeks, I have applied for many jobs, some of which I feel I would genuinely enjoy and others that are just available and that I may or may not enjoy. The former have typically been jobs working directly with kids or with people and some of those jobs have been a little scary. The latter involve days spent in offices and making phone calls and rigidity. I accepted a part time position at a childcare center and I have found myself in a sort of identity crisis wondering whether daycare is that job that's "meant for me" or if I can really do it. I love working with kids. My ideas of working with kids consists primarily of verbal communication, which plays a significantly smaller role than I would like when working with toddlers and infants.

A large chunk of my identity crisis problem is dwelling on the situations and opinions of others. Now that I'm back in Cleveland, I rejoined my high school social group, who are almost entirely employed full time in their respective fields. There is one person who is still looking for a full time position. I feel insufficient. My mom and I were at the grocery store yesterday and ran into the parents of girls that I played soccer with in middle school. I was an arrogant, arrogant child in my middle school years and felt miserable during the entire interaction. One of the girls that is my age is getting married, the one that's younger is working as a nurse, and my biggest fear resulting from that interaction is that all my former friends will here is "Nicole" "unemployed" "alone" and that sucks. And (not to belittle my experience or feelings) it seems stupid to me as someone who is independent, confident, and educated to concern myself with the beliefs of people that I have not spoken to in literally ten years.

The reason for this post is to document an interesting connection I've made in all of this. I started graduate school with the noble intention of completing a thesis on athletic identity and affect after an athlete is forced to retire from his or her sport. I was interested because it was my story - girl takes up running, then gets really good at running, next gets injured and fat, subsequently does not get college scholarship, so finally stops running and loses herself entirely. Why? Because I was all runner and nothing else. I let my education take over some of that identity so that I was all career-oriented student and little else. Now what am I? Every run that I've started the past week, I've thought, "This is all I have now." When I run 8:06 splits for a tempo run, that's currently enough. When I struggle through a long run, I feel unfulfilled.

SoulCycle. I saw this on the Today show months ago and was instantly attracted to it. Two women start up this program where you get to use exercise for awareness and, as cheesy as it may sound, you get to use exercise spiritually. This week, I used exercise to conquer and while those workouts typically end well for me, they're void of the emotional experience. Of course I feel satisfaction when I finished my tempo run faster than I've run since high school. But when I was on a bike in a spin class doing a sprint unable to breathe legs burning, everything would come rushing through my head in a way I can't write here and that was growth. So I'm thinking that could be my place, SoulCycle. Too bad there isn't one in Ohio...

I Swear We Were Infinite

"It's strange because sometimes, I read a book,
and I think I am the people in the book."

I have a few things I could be doing, like editing my research paper to see if it's publishable, job hunting, exercising... It's a running day, but unfortunately it has been downpouring all morning so far.

Reading for fun has been my most recent project. It doesn't really seem like a project, more of a hobby, but I guess the way I do it makes it resemble a project. I have been rereading books, including The Perks of Being a Wallflower and coming to the conclusion that we are too young to read these books in high school and have them change us. I just started The Great Gatsby again and I already realize why my English teachers emphasized symbolism so much...

Regardless, rereading The Perks of Being a Wallflower was insightful. It may be my favorite book, which would be ironic as the main character mentions several times that the most recent book he reads is usually his favorite. One of my favorite lines from the book (and the movie) is the title of this post. For me, it's one of those lines that perfectly sums up an otherwise un-namable experience. I haven't had that feeling for a while, which cannot be attributed to any situation I have or haven't been in. The beauty of that line was that it occurs during a moment in which the character chooses to be consumed by the feeling of limitlessness to the point that he identifies himself with it.

I just texted a friend from my summer job that "funemployment" brings people together. Most of my friends from high school have full-time jobs now, not to mention long-term relationships. The one that I texted does not, but technically she's still in school. I've been looking on Care.com for some source of income and it looks like I may have a lead. Unfortunately, since I genuinely care about the families' wellbeing, I insist upon being honest that I'm seeking full-time employment elsewhere, which has already lost me $200 per week in the meantime.

The problem I have with this job business is that future employers can treat job candidates incredibly disrespectfully if they so choose and candidates have to not only accept this treatment, but embrace it and pretend that they're grateful for the opportunity. Then, when people make the transition from candidate to employee, they get to return the favor by going through the motions and refusing to be as productive as possible because they're protected by their current status. I wonder how many wonderful new candidates were passed up simply because someone has worked there longer? Since I am not in charge of all the social norms of the workforce, I suppose if hired, I'll have to be the change I'd like to see.

The Wizarding World of Looking for Work

Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness.

My mom told me a while ago that I'm like Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series. It's not a compliment, but I've since accepted it as being true in the way that she means it. I've been reading the sixth book while I've been on the elliptical and even that late in the game, Hermione doesn't hesitate to speak out in class and make her dissatisfaction known to just about everyone. That's my thing - failing to present dissatisfaction appropriately. I am dissatisfied quite frequently.

Today I identified the way in which I'm approaching my summer job as Slytherin-like. The Sorting Hat tells Harry that he has "a thirst to prove [himself]," indicating that he ought to be in Slytherin, which would obviously be horribly unfortunate. I have found myself thinking the same exact thing the past week. When thinking about my job, I wonder what my supervisor's biggest concern is about having hired me for a lead counselor position. I want to excel at the job I've been given - in other words, I want to prove myself. Objectively speaking, this doesn't seem to be a bad thing, but in the world of the Summer Treatment Program, it's just as negative as it is in Harry Potter.

In the Wizarding World of Looking for Jobs, it seems like Hufflepuff may be a safer bet - someone who fits in everywhere, someone without characteristics and convictions that are so strong, they may be  abrasive to some. Maybe someone who fits in with Ravenclaw and is simply intelligent enough to get by. STP in particular doesn't seem like a good place to be brave like a Gryffindor either. The program is set, just like many policies of work places. There is always some room for creativity and innovation, but if you go too far... you've gone too far. Fortunately, I've always known STP to be a forgiving place - if you go too far, you can go back and start fresh, which I have. Other people and places weren't always so forgiving though - grad school, for instance.

Regardless, I think my Harry Potter thoughts of today have been insightful. I was given the position of lead counselor because I have already "proven myself" at a time when I did not intend to prove anything; last year, I was implementing the program with an open mind, in the way that I was trained to do. I already have all the tools that I'm going to have before the internship starts in less than eight hours. The only thing left is to do what is expected of me and those expectations will be clearer after the next two weeks of training. The only other thing left is to go to sleep.

Rite Aid Cleveland (Half) Marathon!

Everybody gets a medal!

I had a few times in mind going into my first ever half-marathon race. After being unable to get my "ideal" time out of my head, I decided on using my degree for my own benefit - I created a series of goals: A, B, C, and D, with A being something amazing that would happen if everything were just right and D being something that would happen regardless of the conditions, assuming I was physically able to move.

Anyway, that was one accomplishment. Another was the starting line. Starting lines have always been an emotional place for me. Typically, the angrier I was, the better I raced. I knew in this situation, the more nostalgic I was, the faster I would go out. (This was 100% accurate.) Interestingly, I ran the first five or so miles on pure adrenaline, which was enjoyable. It was no longer enjoyable when I arrived at about mile seven with lactic acid building up in my legs, but even that was a feeling that I missed. Although, I could have gotten my fill of that feeling and then some in a minute rather than for half of a 13.1 mile race. I was getting such a rush from passing people and feeling like I was moving up that in spite of the rational, experienced runner side of me insisting that I back off, I just kept going at a pace that was a wee bit out of my league. I did miss that oh-so compelling little voice of the idealistic runner in me innocently asking, "What if this pace doesn't fry your legs?" But the voice needs to place itself in the last half of the run rather than the first. There's a lot to be said for finishing stronger than you start.

Overall, this was an educational experience. It made me question how I trained, how I fuel my body, and how my relationship with running has evolved. Until Sunday, one of the toughest things I've done in my running career was to actually sign up for a race. Now, I would have to say that showing up and actually running the race was the toughest thing I've done in my running career. There were a lot of negative and haunting thoughts throughout the race, but not as many as I thought there would be. Particularly, throughout the week before, I kept wondering how many people I would see that would think I was a "fat has-been." For the record, I saw very few people I knew and did not feel any of them were thinking "fat has-been."

The absolute best thing about this race was that it was only the beginning. Yes, it was the culmination of a 16-week self-improvement project, but I've already filled in much of an Excel sheet with my summer plans, objectives, and I've even scoped out a few possible races to run in the upcoming months... 5Ks to be exact. Speed workouts will be coming in mid-July! In short, I have big plans for the next couple years - that's how long I expect it will take to reform my identity as runner. This time, I suspect it'll be significantly more balanced and different, neither better nor worse regardless of times, placement, or distances. The objectivity I've historically loved about running has been my worst enemy during my reintroduction to the sport. A second is always a second and a mile is always a mile, unless, of course, it's 1600 meters. It's challenging to know what I've done and fail to compare it to what I'm doing. Regardless of what anyone says, it is not apples and oranges. It's simply time and distance.

So I have a lot of new stuff going on...summer camp, full-time job hunt, finishing my research project, figuring out what to do with my life, learning to live at home with my parents for a while... Mini projects for the week are learn the operational definitions for STP and get the freaking interviews transcribed for my project! I've been procrastinating...or taking a little hiatus from the demands of academic work, whichever you prefer.

Finished, But Not Done

I'm less worried about being the green guy.

16 Weeks has officially gone by. Every time I talk to my parents lately, they seem to remind me of this or ask, "remember when you had 100 something days of school left?" And now I'm down to five days, which means, I've also finished my 16 Weeks. My plan revolved around exercise rather than health, but I feel as if it was a wake up call, regardless. I also feel like I learned a lot about myself while simultaneously having more questions about myself and what I was as an athlete. I suppose I haven't really processed it enough for myself to be able to write about it here, but I did write up something for a class assignment. Unfortunately, it isn't 100% comprehensive of my experience just because it'll take me some time to figure out what that experience actually meant.

Now I suppose it's time to cut back a little bit. I have my first official half marathon coming up in two weeks and I've reconsidered some "goals." I've decided that I won't flesh them out as much as real goals (SMART goals), but I did decide on some grade levels (A, B, C, and D) with D being to finish the race only. I realize D is probably an awful grade to give someone for finishing their first official half marathon, but believe me, this is a step in the right direction. For me, finishing would be simply passing ("finishing" was never on my radar previously), but I know in my heart because of who I am, I would not be satisfied with that outcome on that day. Fortunately I have another project in mind with running and that would be speed. I'm not sure whether it will be this year or next, but I have a time in mind for a 5K!

I'm also nearly done with my master's. It seems a little less exciting than being done with undergrad. Maybe it's because I'm not actually done - I still need to finish a research project, which is a daunting task, given it's current state. This reminds me that I should probably head into the office rather soon to work out some summer credit things. The lack of excitement may also be because it's not entirely what I think I want to do, although, I have been thinking in terms of what I could do with this degree. I would be really interested in revamping the program I work at over the summers to be more appropriate for kids. As I went through some of my classes this semester in particular, I've realized that the program has a couple aspects that could be improved. The one thing that stands out for me is modification, especially in basketball. Our kids play on full size courts and hoops and some of them are six years old! I guess knowing what I know now in conjunction with what I suspect I'll find in my project, I would be a good candidate for designing some of these kinds of programs.

Week 16 Monday - Sunday

Monday I took off. My foot was still hurting despite ice and anti-inflammatory medicine and I don't typically run on Mondays anyway. I didn't want to go to spinning either. The thought of flexing my foot to pedal seemed painful.

Tuesday Emily and I went to TRX and then we awkwardly ran about a mile. It was awkward because she had a water bottle and a large amount of keys and I had a few things to carry as well. I wanted to check out the damage on my foot and it was pretty bad at this point. TRX was even a little painful.

Wednesday I snuck in five miles with Janae after we had our class that ended at 9:00. The late night run was a little creepy, but it seemed to go well. I hadn't run a full run with someone in a while, so that was different.

Thursday I also took off. My dad came into town much earlier than expected, so I could have run after or gone to spinning, but I didn't. I went with Emily to pick up her friend from the airport and then we went to bars that she never used to be able to get into because it was her birthday. I stayed out for a little while, but I had a lot to do Friday, so I headed back early and also delivered her car safely to our parking lot. She was so excited that we didn't drop the car off first after the airport run.

Friday I got in a five mile "run" in the middle of the afternoon between giving finals and attending a luncheon. This was also the day we were having a surprise party for Emily, so it was busy. I say "run" with the quotations because there was a portion that I walked. I just got incredibly hot and was not enjoying myself, so I decided to walk for a while instead of quit the run.

Saturday my apartment was infested with people. Seven people stayed in Oxford from Emily's party in our apartments and that didn't even include the two of us. We went to breakfast with her parents on Saturday morning and I had dinner at Dr. Ward's, so it was an easy day full of delicious food.

Sunday I ran tenish. It was definitely more than ten based on what I just learned from runningmap.com, but I didn't bring my phone because it was drizzling and I couldn't bring my iPod because it was dead. So I ran ten miles on an unplanned route with no distractions but the weather, some ridiculous wind, and a bicycle race that was going on. I used a watch to run for time instead of planning it out beforehand. But my time took me a little further than necessary, meaning I was faster than the pace I planned for, which is good news. That ten was also my last double-digit run until the race!

Growing Up or Growing Old

To agree or disagree...

I went to a wedding as a plus one this weekend with a friend of mine from undergrad. Actually, I was first asked if I wanted to attend the rehearsal dinner on Friday night and I did. Free food that I don't have to make myself is always excellent as well as the drink vouchers. I had these intentions of going to the dinner as well so I could avoid going out afterward for too long. That's about as long as I succeeded. Other people seemed to be sucked into their undergraduate habits. I received five calls in a row in the middle of the night Friday/Saturday morning before I woke up to find out that a friend of mine had been detained by police. After working that situation out, I went back to sleep with much frustration and ended up getting another call from the same individual who was apparently at my apartment and wished to be let in. ...Completely untrue. Anyway, it made me question the importance of acting young and "playing" to avoid growing old. I loved being out on Saturday because I was able to be with the people with whom I spent four years growing up at Miami. Also, being in the presence of people who were my age or a few years older was a nice change of pace rather than my typical crowd of undergraduates. It actually made me excited to be done with school and doing something that contributes to society in some way. It also made me feel playful and like I'm actually in my early twenties. Sometimes I think I'm figuratively a little too old for my own good.

This is probably one of the first times that I'm also feeling nostalgic for my undergraduate experience and I'm doing that thing where I torture myself wondering, "what if." I realize I'm in graduate school and that "what if" with regard to the past is a pointless question to ask, but I'll do it anyway. I've found myself wondering whether if I had been a little more functional and had my issues worked out earlier in undergrad if I would be someone on the path to getting married or if I would have stronger friendships or if I would have experienced more than I did. Particularly with the last - experiencing more - I don't mean at all that I didn't have important experiences during those four years. In fact, I probably had more life experience than I should have. I specifically mean those fun experiences that fit in with stronger friendships. I feel as if I have a tendency to not allow people to stay too close to me for too long. So while everyone else was buddying up and getting involved, I was hesitating for whatever reason.

Because I was unable to sleep well Thursday night, at all Friday night, and for a very small amount of time Saturday night (and a little nap during the day today), I think I ought to wrap this up and post Week 15. I'm a little disappointed about not being able to get 10 in today, but I did sustain a minor injury as a result of a belligerent fraternity member and I'm just reveling in the past a little today and relaxing and recovering.

Week 15 Monday - Sunday

Monday I went to spinning again. I really enjoy this class, but I don't think it will be a good idea for tomorrow. I'd like to cut back a little bit in the next couple weeks, but I also need to get a little bit more done than originally planned for tomorrow due to the lack of academic accomplishments on my record this weekend.

Tuesday I ran five and went to my favorite TRX class.

Wednesday I ran three, went to TRX abs, and then Emily and I went to Buddy Bootcamp, which was kind of a workshop where you come with a partner and complete exercises with them. It was probably the most fun that I've had working that hard for as long as I can remember. It was challenging, but also funny. I think we both sustained some bruises.

Thursday I took off. I had to pick up my friend from the airport this night and I just recall not feeling like running during the day. I was probably too sore as well.

Friday morning I ran a nice easy five. On this run, I wasn't feeling a lot of pressure, which was a nice change of pace for me. I just went out and ran the pace I wanted without any distractions.

Saturday I went to 90 minutes of spinning. This class was amazing because first, it was a great workout, but it also gave me an hour and a half to process some of my anger, make a plan (not the greatest plan, but something that helped me feel better), and just move, which was exactly what I needed. I got home, got ready, and went to the wedding.