Fear and Love Are the Deepest of Human Emotions

This is nothing like what my time off was.

Donnie Darko is definitely one of my top-5 favorite movies. I recently used another quote from this scene in my 654 paper. I'm not sure how that has gone over yet...This particular quote is from Kitty Farmer, the irritatingly delusional health teacher.

As things fall back into place after my close call with injury, I'm appreciating more about my past and current experiences. I recognize that mine is an interesting story, but it is not one of a kind. I ran exceptionally as a child, progressively ran slower and slower, became injured, and let myself go. For six years, I took a break. I think it will take some time to figure out what was actually occurring during those six years, but without a doubt, there was some aspect of fear. I'd venture to say most of it was fear of failure. There are few things worse than investing your energy into something and falling short of your goal. For six years, I was fearful and for good reason. I was never going to accomplish the life I had hoped for myself. I was never going to run how I used to, but I wanted to. I mistook dreams for goals for six years.

What's different now? Maybe I'm seeing the big picture. How running fits into my life rather than how my life fits into running. I'm acknowledging the process rather than expecting instant results. It takes longer than a day to build a base...longer than two or three weeks...apparently longer than seven, but I've been expecting this and for the most part, embracing this.

Week 7 Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday was my typical three mile run. Each run I've completed this week has been better than the last. It's a spectacular feeling. I've had to tell myself to settle down the past couple runs. That this is my first week of three building weeks.

Today, I went to PT and actually enjoyed myself. I got a free t-shirt, which is always a wonderful thing. Because I got a t-shirt, heel lift, and exercise band, I left all my fun things at the office when I ran four miles and picked everything up on my way home. Tonight, I went to Pilates with Emily and just appropriately relaxed during most of it. One more week until Florida!

You Must Accept That This Is Beyond Your Control

This may very well be my image
theme of the week.

Lord Blackwood says this to Sherlock Holmes in the 2009 movie. It was repeating itself in my head today as I walked to the office in the rain, walked to class in the rain, walked to the bus in the rain, ran four miles in the rain, walked to the library in the rain...you get the idea. The thing that's so frustrating about the rain is that I can't choose to be dry. I have no control.

My run was more interesting than anything else on my mind so I'm going to get to it. I'm also going to write less frequently, every other day, maybe ween down to once per week, depending on what project I'm working. I've found I have a bit less to say now that I've gotten a lot out the past six weeks.

Week 7 Monday and Tuesday

Monday I did what my physical therapist would want me to do: I skipped yoga in the morning. I did go to abs though after my class and broke a few rules there. It doesn't seem like a problem though because my hip is staying in place. I can tell because it feels wrong. It's a funny thing when anatomically correct feels wrong. Regardless, abs was fantastic. Today, I texted Emily after checking out the mirror and noted that if I flex and the lighting is just right, you can see some definition! Maybe I was using my imagination a little bit, but that's totally allowed.

Today I started the process of breaking in my new running shoes. I put four miles on them in the rain. Some interesting (to me) things happened on my run. First and foremost, my legs felt great from the knee up, including my hips! My shins, calves, and feet hurt, but I believe that was from the shoes and my back and abs from the abs workout yesterday. After I got over getting wet and cold, I enjoyed the run. Historically, I have liked running in the rain. The worst part is just getting out there.

Emily and I went to TRX and spinning. TRX was challenging, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. This was my third TRX class this semester. I took spinning pretty easy, compared to the effort I feel like I typically invest. It was a mentally healthy decision.

The Beautiful People

I could have gone with Marilyn Manson.

Tonight I watched the Oscars...I'm not sure why because I'm still up, still not finishing things at 12:09 AM on Monday when I like to be in bed relaxing by 10:00 and sleeping around 11:00. My sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up from collecting data both nights this weekend, but it was worth it for the "learning experience."

I also pondered naming this entry "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful," definitely not in reference to myself, but to the two girls who walked in ten minutes late to spinning this morning. Then, they fumbled with the bikes. Next, the instructor asked if they were new to spinning. They were. So she got off her bike, left us to do whatever and began to attend to them. One was fit to be criticized for being underweight on America's Next Top Model. I hate myself a little for feeling this way, but I was glad they were new and awkward. I felt as if I could feel the sense of entitlement, walking in late, wearing little more than a sports bra and spanks, not even working up a sweat in an hour long spin class... I need to concern myself with insignificant others less and concern myself with myself more.

It's hard to avoid the envy sometimes. I just think about the athletic feats I could accomplish with 5% body fat. Then I remember that I probably have more muscle mass in my right quadricep than someone that small would have in her entire body. I remember that I'll always have an average body fat percentage, but average is average; not bad, like shallow me wants to believe sometimes. Perspective (and dissociation from social pressure) is key.

In other news, I am officially comfortable making various pasta and chicken dishes. Maybe they're not the healthiest concoctions, but they're tasty.

Week 6 Sunday

Spinning was kind of entertaining. I pride myself on my ability to change my initial impressions of people. The girl I typically find annoying was in class today and she was kind of funny. She wasn't being chatty, but she was being engaged in the workout and contributing and getting psyched up for work. Her outbursts (in response to the instructor's prompting) actually created an atmosphere that seemed more team-like, as opposed to sweaty strangers in a room. I thought about TRX after...and then I thought nope. So I came home.

Baby Steps

This was the size of my stride today.

I didn't post yesterday because I was collecting alcohol data so I thought a napp would be a better use of my time after working out than writing. It was. Alcohol research was one of the reasons that I wanted to title my blog today, "I Hate My Body Because."

In my developmental classes, we talk about that physical maturation for a female isn't simply a transition from girl to woman. It's viewed by many outsiders as a retirement of the athletic body. Sometimes I think this is true...Curves aren't exactly efficient. But one of the best things about the world is that curves aren't efficient for anyone, not just me. Others have adjusted to the large Q angles and extra fat, so I can too. After my physical therapist yells at me Thursday for running and doing too much this week.

Regardless of that bit of looking on the bright side, I find it to be easier to think of reasons why I hate my body than why I love it. I wish more people read this so I could get more reasons to love it. I need to get out of my box and think like a kid on this one. What do untainted kids love about their bodies? What they can do? What they look like? What they feel like? I know there are infinite good things out there - like I love my body because I can taste the chicken and potatoes I made for dinner tonight and they're delicious.

Week 6 Friday and Saturday

Friday I went to spinning and abs at the rec. It was significantly more enjoyable than last week when there were loud people in the class. It went by pretty quickly and it was an emotional experience again, particularly at the end when the last song was three sprints. After the first one, I found myself rationalizing why I wouldn't be able to go hard again for the second and third. Then, I got mad at myself and rationalized why I could go hard again for the second and third sprints. And then, I actually did it. Abs was a little tricky because I had to make a few modifications, but it still felt like a good workout.

Today, I ran six miles. The pace was a little slower than I had left off at, but I guess I expected that. I was also reminding myself to hold back a little bit, keep it easy. My hip hurt, but I don't think it was because of running; I just don't think it wants to be in place. Overall, it went well for my first run back. There will be more to come this week!

Dangerous (?) Mental Progress

I'm not sure what it is, but this is the
picture I was looking for.

Since I've been banned from kickboxing (and yoga and lunges, and running and all fun things) for the week, I did a second day of lonely cross-training in the cardio room at the rec center. I wasn't completely alone because I was being one of those obnoxious people that text and exercise. I happened to be texting a friend of mine that seems to believe that I've been exercising excessively, despite assuring him several times that I'm not. I know what I'm doing, as I've been "training" for many years under many skilled coaches.

"My body can do this. It just doesn't know it yet." This is the text I sent to my concerned friend. I think that was always one of the unstated goals of the 16 Weeks to Healthy plan. I have to convince my body that it can return to the fit, fast, and sturdy machine that it once was and that I can once again match my behaviors to who I am. I still have a window in which I can be faster and stronger. So I'm going to keep moving forward the only way that I know how: with a competitive spirit, long term goals on the radar, short term goals in the foreground, and my training experience to keep me in check.

In physical therapy today, I saw one of my students, also a runner. The PTs around at the time were joking, wondering why we all come back to PT after recovering and leaving. They were mentioning alternatives to running, as if we hadn't heard them before. There is no replacement, but I've grown to use the alternatives as supplements. That's huge personal growth for me. If you'd have told me in middle school or high school to cut two runs and cross-train, I would throw a fit. But it works now and I anticipate it will play a major role in keeping my old lady bones and joints healthy. Maybe most distance runners know what they're risking, being so captivated by running itself... or maybe they don't. I like to think that I do and I'll gladly accept that risk to revisit the place I've missed so much the past five years: crossing the finish line.

Week 6 Thursday

Physical therapy was a surprise workout today. I kind of figured I would go in, get my hip pushed in, and leave like Tuesday, but I was given some exercises to do that took up about 45 minutes to an hour and that were challenging enough to keep my interest. I like my current PT a lot because he knows I don't want to be bored.

I walked over to the rec with Emily when she went to kickboxing. I went to an arc. I'm apparently allowed to do this if my hip doesn't move (pop or crack) while exercising. So I read on the machine for an hour and got even further into Dr. Jay's book Runner As Hero. I'm about halfway through now and one of the biggest things reading this text is inspiring me to do is get on a track. I'd imagine I'm still about a year away from being ready for that, but it's in the foreseeable future!

My Future Furniture

I would add a decorative pillow.

At the rec center today, I decided that I would like the furniture in my house to be recumbent bikes. Anytime someone sits, they could just as easily be pedaling. There are so many issues with this, but I've decided to just go with it. I wanted to use the recumbent bike to have some time to read something that was not assigned for class (shocker, I know) and that something was Dr. Jay's book. I made it to chapter 10 and didn't want to stop there, but I thought I should get back to my graduate student duties.

I'm looking forward to getting further into the book. At the moment, I'm feeling this sort of suspense despite the fact that I think I know how it turns out. Will the main character overcome his struggle with pain and discomfort in running and become an "athlete?" It's a story and a question that everyone who has ever tried to make a change has experienced. Will I find a way to stop making excuses and eat healthier? Will I make the time to spend with my family? Whatever our struggles may be, I think they have at least a few things in common, namely intimidating barriers.

I used to uphold the notion that we were all born to do something. We have a certain skill set or psyche that makes us more suitable for certain things. We're equipped with certain tools to breeze past barriers that others get caught on. I'm not so certain that's true anymore. The way to get what we want if it's not "natural" actually seems quite simple now. You get it through education, exploration, a desire to get it, and probably some pain/stress/angst (I'm getting at physical and mental). You have to try something new, step outside our nice, safe comfort zones, and set ourselves up for success, which also means making ourselves vulnerable to failure, which is scary stuff. That being said, I think part of it is being fully ready. When you commence some sort of journey toward change because you "ought to" or because "it'll be better this way," I think the path of failure looks pretty nice. Rarely would we admit to ourselves that we sabotage, but ultimately failure is the easy way out. We get to go back to our comfort zones and stay there until something compels us to try again or until we're actually ready to make a change.

But while a runner who drops out of a race may experience less physical pain than if he were to finish, what has he lost? Maybe some runners would take a defensive stance to this metaphor and there are a lot of things to consider. What if the runner saves himself from a long-term injury? I'll concede that there are legitimate reasons to fail. Ultimately, I think I'm wondering why anyone would start a race or a project if they did not have intentions of finishing? Perhaps there are some holes in this metaphor. I'll leave it to Dr. Jay (or anyone else who stumbles across this) to point them out.

 Week 6 Wednesday

Against my physical therapist's wishes, I did 20 minutes on an arc at the rec today, but only because there were no bikes free. I also put the incline as low as possible so I didn't perceive much more incline than a walk would be...Sort of. Regardless, after 20 minutes there, I saw a free bike and took it for another 20 minutes and then I stretched for a long time. I actually lost track of time and space just sitting on the mats relaxing and stretching. It was nice. I'm pretty sure my heart rate did not exceed 120 bpm the entire time and that was oddly satisfying.

I Love My Body Because

This is a legitimate thing, so you know.

Today, I thought about what I would write about if I had to write a fairly focused autoethnography pertaining to my physical activity history. The answer is body image. I have been so consumed by the physical state of my body for approximately 12 years, which at this point, is more than half my life.

I was consolidating some information and thoughts for the day when I considered my potential summer job. I would like to be a lead counselor for a program run through the Cleveland Clinic. This would entail creating skills and activities for kids or adolescents to do throughout the day. I came across an interesting conundrum because I have no idea (nor does my supervisor from the last two years) whether I'll be working with eight year old kids or junior high school kids. I did a little thought experiment imagining all the ways in which asking children to complete the following sentence could go wrong: I love my body because...

I wondered at what age a researcher asking this question would start seeing gender-stereotyped answers or at what age a researcher would get the defiant response of, "I hate my body." Personally, I probably would have started giving her that answer around the end of junior high or very early high school. On some days, I would probably still give her that answer. I will have to ask my friend Jean what is "normal" developmentally in terms of body image. She studies body dissatisfaction and eating disorders through the clinical psychology department at Florida State. I believe she uses the image I attached (or something very similar) in her research. I have smart friends.

Regarding this summer job, I'd like to challenge myself to find a way to appropriately deliver a sort of life-skills lesson on body image - something that kids and adolescents would take seriously and that would enable them to see strengths in what their bodies can do rather than what their bodies look like. Maybe I'll take this a little further as it has obviously affected me and other people I know. And I'm certain based on some conversations and observations of children that it's still a problem. I will identify that phenomenon as a "problem," but I won't go into all of the philosophical, developmental arguments.

I love my body because it acts like a runner. It's toes point forward, it's quads are powerful, it's core is supportive, and it's arms can drive forward to a finish line.

Week 6 Tuesday

No running for a week...or so. Five days can be safely rounded up to a week, I think. I went to physical therapy this morning. Got my hip pushed back in. I always feel a little shorter when that happens. Fortunately, I was not forced to do all the exercises I hate. Unfortunately, I was given some limitations in addition to no running: no yoga, no kickboxing, no high-impact activities, no anything that lifts one leg, but not the other. Boring.

I went to TRX Total Body for the second time in my life. My arms already hurt. I had to make some modifications to the workout so that when I go back to PT Thursday, I can tell my therapist that I did not technically break any of his rules. Yet. It was helpful too to know the instructor. I asked Kate in class if she would mind me making modifications when needed and of course, she did not mind at all! After TRX, I met up with Emily for spinning. It was a tough class, in part because it immediately followed TRX, but I was very emotionally invested today, which always gets me moving beyond my average performances.

Much Better...Kinda

It's a big week - I have physical therapy tomorrow, I'll be running this week, and I got back to yoga this morning! I really do need to continuously begin my Mondays and Wednesdays with yoga. When the class is over, I feel better. It's just like any adjustment - when I go to the chiropractor, it feels great when it happens, but its gone shortly after I go back to the real world. Maybe with more frequent practices, the change will stick longer.

I added the qualification of "Kinda" to my title today because I've been incredibly irritable the past few days. The last straw was at one o'clock this morning when I got an angry text that said I shouldn't count on going home this weekend because the friend that I was going with earned her umpteenth speeding ticket this year. What really irked me was the lack of responsibility she took for it. Sure, not knowing the speed limit and getting a ticket sucks, but can we really get upset at other people for doing their jobs, particularly when those jobs involve protecting all of us?

As an instructor, I like to joke about entitlement - students believe they're entitled to fantastic grades for mediocre work, they believe they're entitled to days off, to missed assignments, all sorts of ridiculous things. Students aren't the only ones that have that sense of entitlement. We expect to be exceptions to rules because of our "extenuating circumstances," which is just a fancy expression for individual differences...you know those things that every single person has, as we are all individuals.

Tonight is one of those nights that I think I have it all figured out. We don't accomplish what we want because we talk ourselves out of it and convince ourselves that we're special: the same laws and rules that apply to everyone else simply don't apply to us. For me...I can't eat healthy because its not something I genuinely want. I can't write my research project because it doesn't mean as much to me as it should. Those are excuses and if anyone else reading this wants to be honest with themselves, I'm sure they'll come up with some excuses of their own.

Clearly, being healthy means something to me. Perhaps its for the right reasons, perhaps it's for the wrong, but I have a blog that started in part for a class, but this isn't even what the assignment was supposed to be. This is just me supplementing my self improvement and since it's my blog, anyone reading gets to read what I write while I'm being genuine and, at the moment, angry. For the most part, people know what "should" be done, what they "ought" to do to get where they say they want to be. We just don't take responsibility for anything.

So I guess I don't feel much better...not even "kinda."

Week 6 Monday

Almost forgot...have to ruin my dramatic ending with exercise for the day. I went to yoga. I went to the hardcore abs class.

Enough with the Boring

I yawn thinking about my past couple days.

Running rest week is just about over, thankfully. I'm getting frustrated, bored, and anxious. I guess I also rested from some of my more strenuous activities as well like yoga. You would think yoga wouldn't be strenuous, but it is. It's also getting easier and more relaxing, so I'll pick that back up tomorrow assuming I get some sleep tonight.

I have come to the conclusion today that we need a little extra health and physical education going on in schools. I spent some time with my little who suggested that we swim at the rec center. I was completely on board with that and I wanted to bring her younger sister with us, but unfortunately she was sick. Regardless, there is one excruciatingly incorrect notion that permeates not just children, but our society as a whole: if you're a "healthy" weight, then you're healthy.

This bothered me today because my little frequently talks about how she's "skinny" and "underweight," so she can eat whatever and do whatever she wants. There's a sense of pride about her when she says it because she knows there's a lot of emphasis placed on a number and much less emphasis placed on fitness. She couldn't swim half a lap without resting on the lane line at the pool, but a large part of society says that's okay because you're "skinny." In my lifetime, I would like to see kids valuing strength and fitness in male and female children rather than simply size in males and frailty in females.

I ended up not doing anything yesterday - a day completely off. It was...needed. I did make a dinner using what I consider to be a lot of vegetables and I am just about ready to eat the leftovers with some rice. I sauteed some Italian sausage, added a red bell pepper and broccoli, put some mozzarella cheese on top, and ate it with leftover elbow macaroni I had. I'm having the leftovers with rice today. While not the healthiest meal possible, protein and vegetables at dinner are a huge improvement over cereal or just plain spaghetti and garlic bread.

Week 5 Sunday

I (hopefully) figured out my hip issues in spinning today. Because I have a freak leg that is about half an inch longer than the other, I need to adjust my bike and how I use it. Ideally, I was told by the instructor that bikes have pedal adjustments for people like me and apparently her, but not the ones we use. Instead, I will adjust the seat for the short leg so it isn't hyperextending. I also found I was a lot more comfortable when I leaned onto the short leg so I was sure it was supporting weight and that the hip wasn't buckling. Silly old body.

After that, I picked up my little and we went swimming. I probably got in about six laps, which is significant for me. I know I talked about TRX being every other week and I've only gone once this semester, but I plan to go Tuesday. After spinning, I was starving and excited to get home and stretch out after figuring out some of what was going on with my discomfort. I'll be asking my physical therapist for more information bright and early Tuesday morning!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

This should be funny, but it's not.

What is it that lets some people feel guiltless about failing to do what they're expected to do? For me, it seems that regardless of the nature of the expectation, I feel compelled to accomplish it. This includes irrational expectations like maintaining my regular physical activity levels and intensities when I feel sick and broken.

This is something specific I need to work on mentally. Somewhere along the line, I became infatuated with the idea of constant improvement. If my performance in one game or race did not exceed the level of my previous performance, I could not be completely satisfied with it.

The other thing I'm fearful of is losing motivation. I haven't addressed that yet here, but it's a concern of mine. Since I left high school, I've never really stuck with a fitness program for long. But here's where the rationality needs to come in. For five weeks now, I've been in a constant state of soreness. For the most part, it's been good sore, but sore nonetheless. I don't remember what my body feels like when it isn't repairing. The part of me that recognizes that fact is saying that the entire weekend off from intense exercise would do me good, but part of me is still debating going to Zumba in 45 minutes even though I've already "decided" not to do that. I could just take my sweet little puppy for a walk and stretch out.

I'm not sure whether I should be concerned about motivation at this point. I like what I'm doing - I enjoy the classes I go to at the rec center and when it's not freezing and precipitating, I love the feeling of being outside running. I'm very intrinsically motivated right now, whereas previously I would do things because I ought to do them or because I was striving to attain some sort of reward. So maybe what I'm feeling isn't guilt at all - maybe that's just what I know to label the feeling associated with lack of exercise as. Maybe being intrinsically motivated is what is leading to negative affect because I genuinely have enjoyed doing what I've been doing.

Week 5 Friday and Saturday

I forgot to post yesterday. Shame on me. But I went to spinning. I honestly was not enjoying myself yesterday in spinning. There were two or three people talking, well, yelling over the music and the instructor. It took me twenty minutes of my workout to figure out how to tell them to shut up without discouraging them from ever coming back to the class. I understand it's "group" fitness, but that's just it - it's about the group. It's not for two or three people who want to have a conversation as if they're in a bar rather than expending huge amounts of energy to achieve better fitness. Just based on what I observed from people around me and the instructor, it was discouraging to have people carrying on a conversation while others were trying to work or teach. It helped me create an intriguing research question that maybe I'll answer someday - how does the presence of "overachievers" or "underachievers" in a group fitness class affect the experience of the entire group?

And today - it's only about 1:50 in the afternoon today, but this is me saying I'm taking today off to stretch, clean, and play with my puppy dog. My hips got pretty painful while I was at the hockey game last night and I'm constantly uncomfortable today. I have PT on Tuesday so maybe they'll make an adjustment the first day.

Bloody Knuckles

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's still my easy week so I'll write whatever I want to write. Emily and I had our Valentine's Day festivities today and of course, we like to refer to it as Single's Awareness Day. We've been planning this for a little over a week and everything went swimmingly. First, I picked up a bottle of wine on my way back from our KNH 654 assignment to notice our environment and nature on a walk. We watched Moulin Rouge and part of Cruel Intentions in my apartment. We then ordered some BDubs, finished Cruel Intentions, and started Titanic before we were due to go to kickboxing. The theme for our movies was sad endings, if you didn't catch on. Kickboxing, once again, is the reason for this title. There were very few people there, so Emily and I had our own punching bag. We punched like pros, so much so that Emily bled on the punching bag and I came close. My knuckles will need a little TLC in the next few days.

So what did I notice today? I noticed that I don't notice as much as I think I do. Typically, I consider myself a fairly observant person, but only in comparison to others. I guess it's really not something to be proud of to be "fairly observant" in a society where more people are aware of what's going on with a celebrity across the country than what's going on right in front of them. So I'm going to add an "Environment" label to my blog to hopefully promote a little more conscientious thought when going about my daily activities or physical activities. Specifically, I'd like to focus on the natural or outdoor environments (I know these are two completely different things), but I could also stand to make some observations about what happens indoors in classes, while shopping, and even in my own apartment. I think we could all stand to notice a little more - maybe it could even lead to more appreciation of what's there, lamentation of what's missing, or spark a proactive response to create better conditions for society. We'll see...that's just my cheesy far-fetched thought of the night.

Week 5 Thursday

Kickboxing only today - it was great. I was incredibly enthusiastic about every movement we did, with the exception of mountain climbers. I hate those things. Regardless, I think toning it down this week has gotten old. Before the class even started, I was literally jumping around in circles. It's funny what one's body wants when it's going from hour-long runs followed by kickboxing to simply kickboxing. Hopefully I'll find that I've made some progress with my cross-training due to taking it easy on the running this week.

Blip in My "Break"

I think no matter how much you love something or want to do something, getting started after a break is tough, even when that break wasn't really that much of a break. Mentally, three miles seemed kind of daunting today despite the fact that it was planned. First and foremost, it was much colder today than expected. My new take on cold (this usually happens in February) is that cold is stupid. Second, I rationally knew three miles was not that long and that I haven't even been perceiving it as a significant distance. Today, prior to actually going out and doing it, I was anxious about how long it was going to feel. That was silly, as it felt incredibly short.

All of this leads me to believe that a lot of exercise and sport adherence is simply momentum. I came off an absolutely huge week or running down to almost nothing and now I expect my mind to pick it back up where it left off. You would think that because it's your mind, effects should be instantaneous, but it's not. And that's okay.

In other news, my legs are super sore from everything I did yesterday.

Week 5 Wednesday

My easiest day in five weeks (probably). All I did was run three miles today. I feel a little unfulfilled because I didn't engage in much else aside from walking to class, but I keep reminding myself that this is what a recovery week is supposed to feel like. If I weren't antsy or anxious to go harder, I would be doing this recovery thing all wrong. Actually, I'm probably doing the recovery thing all wrong given yesterday's activities. But this day was good for me. Tomorrow will be too.

One Good Thing About Getting Old...

Every cloud has a silver lining.

I regularly make remarks about how old I am. I'm older than my undergraduate friends here, often times I feel old because of the fights I have with my body, and I'm older than I think I should be given some of the experiences I have yet to have. When I'm actually old though, I'd like to be young at heart.

Anyway, I discovered this really cool thing about getting older in combination with doing the type of physical activity I've been doing. I can see a lot of tone in my muscles, even my arms! When I was younger and running, technically I was pretty muscular, but it was always that I was pretty muscular for a girl my age. Now I can see toned arms, beastly legs, and almost abs. There would probably be abs if I would control my candy splurges from the past couple days. But the candy is gone now so maybe I will practice some self-control and really work on the nutrition part of getting healthy with the 12 weeks I have left of the semester. Regardless, I have never perceived myself in this way before: strong, but feminine.

As I've talked about before, I have a lot of issues with my body, many of which are rooted in my insistence of comparing now and then. Then, I don't recall having any reservations about being considered "strong." In fact, I remember thinking of myself as a power athlete, not necessarily because I was explosive (I'm not), but because at that place in sport where things get challenging and physically uncomfortable, that's where I would shine. And by shine, I mean that's where I would destroy my competition and never give them the option of making a comeback.

I'm beginning to feel powerful again, but it's different as a 23 year old female than it was as a 13 year old female. Particularly at Miami, I don't feel the emphasis is on health and power as much as it is on thinness and figure. When I overhear what students are doing to prepare for Spring Break, it makes me a combination of sick and sad. What is the purpose or meaning of "preparing" for Spring Break only to get where you're going and consume thousands of empty calories of alcohol and sleep the entire day? If anything, couldn't Spring Break be a checkpoint in one's quest for health and wellness? Regardless, I've always attempted to live authentically (sometimes I fail miserably) and right now, authentic living consists of big legs, toned arms, particularly some larger looking shoulders, and abs covered by candy. I guess the candy part isn't authentic, but like I said, it's fortunately gone.

Week 5 Tuesday

After class, I went to the rec to warm up and lift legs. I think I mentioned that resistance training is something I want to focus a little more on this week. I did 20 minutes on the arc followed by my leg workout. I noticed that lunges are no longer as challenging for me as they used to be. I attribute this to the three spinning classes per week I've been attending.

Emily and I also went to spinning tonight and then went to Pilates. The Group Fitness Challenge altered Emily's behavior because she needed a class that fit into the Mind/Body category. She was nervous to go alone (and I was kind of bored), so I went with her. The Group Fitness Challenge indirectly got me.

Spinning went incredibly well today with the only glitch being in the resistance knob on my bike. It was not a gradual increase in resistance to say the least. I had low expectations for Pilates, but it actually surprised me. It was a pretty relaxing class, but we still did some serious work. I think my shoulders will be pretty sore tomorrow, so I will probably not end up going to yoga in the morning. That, and it's already 11:05 PM.

Hardcore Abs!

There are no appropriate pictures to go along with the content of this entry. Body builders just won't do. The next two weeks since I won't be running much, I think I'm going to concentrate on cross training and strength training. I entered this Group Fitness Challenge thing because it was free and there's a chance to win prizes. I just realized that I have introduced some extrinsic motivation into my workouts...Not sure how I feel about that. Anyway, the Group Fitness Challenge thing requires you to go to four classes per week one of which must be cardio, one strength, one mind/body, and one of your choice. Should be easy enough to remember that I was going to do all this anyway regardless of the prizes.

Not much to say today...maybe not much this week. I may have needed a mental break just as much as a physical one (even though my "physical" break is going to be replacing two days of running with even more cross-training). I'm curious to see how this week in particular goes. In the past, I've been what I refer to as a running snob. If running isn't happening, nothing is. But I think in the past, it's been an inability to run due to injury or "injury." I suspect this will be different and that I'll be extremely eager to get my energy out through cross-training. I already feel ready to go. I just did ten - I feel like it's time to get even better.

Update on yesterday - I did get my little and her younger sister to walk to Sonic. Small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Week 5 Monday

Hardcore abs class only! I thought about yoga this morning and then I thought, "it's my easy week and I'm going to start it off the right way: sleeping." Abs was more fun than I anticipated. Emily and I went and the class was just goofy, including the instructor at times. We used exercise balls for just about everything, which meant people were falling off the exercise balls including myself. I think it helps the atmosphere when the class starts at 9:00 PM too. Everyone has had a long day of Monday classes and just needs to let off some steam.

Oh What a World It Seems We Live In

Sonic is not a restaurant.

The title of today's entry refers to the Rufus Wainwright song. The first time I heart this song was when I did winterguard in my senior year of high school. The first time hearing it, I couldn't stop giggling and now I listen to it because I can't figure out why I'm so fascinated by it.

I felt a little different today than I felt yesterday. I'll start by saying that physically I was more tired than I typically am on Sunday morning spinning classes. I was a little bit sore, particularly in the hips, but I'll be fixing that in the upcoming two weeks. I also felt a little complacent. This is the thought/feeling that I'd like to process a little bit today.

I think it's safe to say when I was a runner the first time, I was an arrogant brat. Outwardly, I was confident, but my inner self-talk was constantly telling me how awesome I was (in a humbler way than I'm stating here, but nonetheless, arrogantly). I kind of feel this coming back to me. It was never a good thing or a bad thing; it just was. It was part of who I was and while I always strive to be inspiring and grounded, particularly when it comes to modeling for kids or individuals new to something, I do take a lot of pride in meaningful things I accomplish. After spinning, I was talking to the instructor about the class. We had adjusted my bike so that my hips would experience less strain. The group fitness rooms have mirrors on three sides of the room and I was visually stuck on my legs. They look like they're "supposed" to - like they used to. It's an interesting experience and makes me want to grow even more.

Week 4 Sunday

The hour long spinning class I went to was more relaxing than intense, which was what I needed this morning. The hour flew by, but unfortunately I did have to take a quick break to stretch out my hip. I did not go to TRX as planned, but I will lift during the week. I think TRX ought to be an every other week thing... it's taken me almost a week to stop being sore from last weekend!

The only other physical activity I'm planning to engage in today is some walking. I'm hoping to convince my little to walk to Sonic instead of drive since it's about a ten minute walk from her house. We'll see how that works. I suppose if she's insistent upon eating fast-food, the least we can do is work to get it! That last sentence sounds judgmental. You better believe I'll be getting a milkshake.

Long Run Day!

These are my new shoes. Not ugly yellow.

I paused after posting a picture of my incoming shoes to register for the Cleveland Half-marathon. I thought it'd be appropriate to post about my run after fulfilling the promise I made to myself months ago: when I run ten, I register for the half-marathon. So that's done and it feels a lot more real now. In fact, as I was telling my dad on the phone a few minutes ago, I feel a little more real now. I was referring to being a real runner, but I mean in general too. In my experience, six miles and ten miles have been huge milestones for my in my training and I'm proud to say that I was truly happy during my run today. I hate being one of these preachy people, but for me right now, it really is the case that you don't know what you have until it's gone. I used to have the ability to complete single runs of 10+ miles and then it was gone. Now that it's back again, I feel very different. There were several stretches of my run that I was smiling like an idiot, making myself look crazy to all the automobile traffic. With any luck, they'll think, "Hey she looks like she's having fun. I'll give it a shot."

So I'm a real runner again, but I've also been feeling much more like me the past four weeks upon deciding that I wanted to do my 16-Weeks to Healthy plan. I think in the upcoming weeks, I need to focus a little more on healthy eating rather than simply exercise. Maybe do some more experimentation in the crockpot for dinners and getting a little more fruit and vegetable consumption in. I've done well eating out less (I'll probably eat out today because I'm about to be ready to eat all the food in my apartment) and I've even been eating 2-3 servings of fruits and vegetables per day, but I'd like to bump that up to 3-4 servings in the upcoming four weeks. Enough about gross vegetables.

I had meant to expand on how I feel more like myself before I got on a tangent about food. When I first came into graduate school, I was interested in athletic identity (AI). AI is simply how much you identify yourself as an athlete. This is independent from what the reality of your situation is. I think a lot of my distress and discomfort in life in the past...oh six to eight years has been the idea that my brain functions like an athlete brain and my body functioned like a lazy person body. It's tough to cope with that discrepancy day after day whether it is because of injury or because of lack of motivation. However, while I think some of my identity is "athletic," I think more or most of it is "runner." This afternoon, I'm going to crack open Dr. Jay's book, Runner as Hero (free advertising if anyone ever reads this blog!). I do believe I'll find some information that may be enlightening.

Week 4 Saturday

...I think I've said enough about my run. The only other noteworthy things are that it felt like race day this morning full of butterflies and good anxiety, I used my iPod for the first three miles and the last two only and everything in between was all me and my head, and finally (most importantly), none of my bones feel broken or fractured and none of my muscles are in searing pain. Great job, body for holding up for those last ten miles until two resting weeks!

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I'm buying new shoes tonight. They're purple!

I had a phone interview this morning so allow me to introduce Project I Need a Job. I guess "need" is the wrong word to use there, but it seems like it's a need right now. I want this job for which I am in the application process extremely badly. I just had my first preliminary interview this morning. The job is working as a behavioral therapist for kids with Autism in a school setting. Unfortunately (I never thought this was unfortunate until this morning), I'm not a teacher. My interviewer asked me questions about teaching for a job position that seemed to be much more clinical in nature than educational, but that was just my outsiders perspective when I shadowed in early January. Obviously it's interdisciplinary, so I feel the questions ought to have reflected that, but they did not. Regardless, following that interview, I felt a little bit down on myself. I spun the experiences that I have had to make me appear as if I'm ready and able to handle a job of this nature because I am. The thing about phone interviews that I think is stupid is that this person can't see me. She has no cues other than the tone of my voice that would enable her to understand my passion for this job and my willingness to do what I have to do to make it work for the kids. It's not a means to an end for me - it's an experience I want to have in and of itself.

As I said, I felt a little down after the interview. When this happens, I typically carry it over into other unrelated aspects of life. I forgot whether a speaker was speaking at 12:00 or 12:30 this afternoon and crankily called myself stupid. Ironically, I did this as I was reading a text on ACT therapy about how to dissociate from your cognitions. I really ought to be using this strategy for my run tomorrow and part of my mind is doing that right now. I expressed the fear of reinjury. My thoughts are telling me that it's about that time in your training for something to hurt. It's about that time to have a setback. My thoughts also told me this morning that I was stupid for failing to remember within a half an hour when a speaker was scheduled (my presence at this function was not even mandatory, mind you).

I think, if I've understood this correctly, that one of the tenets of ACT therapy is that thoughts ought not to have all the power. Thoughts should be acknowledged as thoughts and rationality should prevail. I struggle with finding the truth in all this though. My thoughts about reinjury are simply thoughts. What's real is that I've built up my mileage the right way, I'm eating healthier than I ever have before, so I'm fueling my body, bones, and muscles with what they need, and I'm supplementing my four runs per week with strength training and cross-training, much of which, I have never done before to strengthen my body and mind. This is my rational truth, but is it an objective truth? I am anticipating finding out tomorrow on Long Run Day!

Week 4 Friday

I went to spinning without my workout buddy. I don't recall ever writing about this, but sometimes spinning is a very emotional experience for me, particularly when I first began taking the classes. The feeling of exhaustion in spinning closely resembles the feeling of exhaustion in running. It's very easy to visualize the final straightaway on a track or a road race...that last 100 or 200 meters of indescribable, but often unnoticeable pain. When I get to that point in a spinning class, I find my throat closing up and emotion surfacing. It's a strange phenomenon, but the same thing happened in tenth grade when I won my first race after not crossing the finish line first since eighth grade - I got emotional immediately upon knowing I was going to win. All of this leads me to believe that this half-marathon in May is going to be affectively challenging, but knowing that this far out should enable me to cope with some of it.

Following the spinning class, I went to hardcore abs and went deaf. For some reason, the instructor was insistent on having the music blasting so that no one could hear her and the specific movements that were being done trickled to the back of the classroom (the only place I could find an open spot) row by row. It was a challenging workout - I couldn't stand to get every rep of every exercise in, but I was a little frustrated and may have some slight hearing damage.

The Final Countdown

I could have used these today.

This song has been stuck in my head, but only for the last few minutes. Typically, you'd think that this song was in anticipation of a big race or the half-marathon I will be running, but it's not. Today, "The Final Countdown" is what I have to tell my body. "I just need ten more miles from you, then you get a break." Before today, it was 17 more miles, but I had a relatively successful seven mile run.

My body is breaking, which would be problematic if I had another week of building mileage, but I don't, so it isn't. Regardless, I think it might even be a good idea to cut back even further on my plans for running for Weeks 5 and 6. Maybe twice per week. My mind and my body are at war at the moment. I'm ready to go faster and longer, but my hips and my left foot (which is currently being iced) have other ideas. They don't even want to go ten on Saturday. But they're going to. I am well-aware that I'm currently walking the fine line between crazy and determined. I also think I'm on the cusp of a cold, hopefully not the flu. Body, hold this all off for 48 more hours and I promise to be nicer to you...for a while.

This is where I sometimes think runners, and athletes in general are a little crazy. Today in class, we touched on some of the motivations people have for engaging in exercise - it feels good, it improves my fitness, it increases my skills, blah blah blah. Running is weird. It hurts like hell, it breaks down your body, and there is no skill involved. But it is spiritually one of the most rewarding experiences in which I've ever engaged, it energizes me and seemingly brings life to my rather unenthusiastic self, and yeah, there's still no skill involved (unless you count dodging traffic or staying upright in snowy and icy conditions). It's one of those things you have to experience to understand.

Call me crazy, but ten miles is still happening.

Week 4 Thursday

The last and longest weekday run for a little over a month went well. I think a conversation with Janae that I had prior to running prompted me to think a little more about what music I was listening to and less about my actual run. It's safe to say that I did not experience "flow" at any point in that run, unfortunately. I have been recently, which makes me incredibly happy! Finishing the run was still a great accomplishment for me though and tomorrow I'll have a rest day (spinning and hardcore abs classes) followed by the highly anticipated long run!

Emily and I went to kickboxing this evening as well. For the first time in my life, I used a standing punching bag legitimately. For me, sports and intense exercise have always been very emotional experiences, particularly in times of unspeakable fatigue, but I have a new understanding for boxing/kickboxing. I didn't need to go into the class feeling angry to feel that I was channeling anger into kicking and punching this inanimate object. I've never been the type to punch my pillow when I was upset. I now see why people do that. I was also happy to see that I exhibited skill. Typically, I feel awkward watching myself perform skills in a mirror, but today, I felt like I was doing well. I could see my energy levels were extremely high, especially in comparison to some of the other participants in the class and my coordination was surprising as well. I didn't look as goofy as I usually do. Yay body awareness!

One more bout of physical activity that was notable today was all the walking I did. Janae and I went for about an hour long walk in which we discussed just about everything in life and then some. We had also walked to Starbucks earlier in the afternoon. It was too nice not to be out enjoying it!

What Came First - The Chicken or the Egg?

I'm too tired to decide which one I am in this metaphor.

Anyway, something super strange happened today. I called my dad this morning on my way to school, not yoga. I did not go to yoga this morning because my hip and my hunger were so bad last night that they woke me up. What a great excuse, right? Again anyway, I called him and talked to him about my run yesterday and how that prompted me to rethink my goals for the half-marathon in May. His response was along the lines of why would you have goals for this race? And my response was along the lines of why in the world wouldn't I have goals for this race?

I think he's seeing the harm in goals now - there's a lot of potential risk there. What if I don't attain it? Maybe he thinks I'm still so early in my comeback to the sport that "failure" would be incredibly hard on me. Or maybe...that was actually the only justification for no goals that I could imagine at this point in time. But I still go back to why wouldn't I set goals? I always have, even before I knew the right sport-psychology-ish way! Personally, I don't understand a life without them. If I didn't have the goal of getting my master's degree in Psychosocial Sport Studies from Miami University, would I be here? If I didn't have the goal of maintaining healthy teeth, would I exhibit good dental hygiene? 

One of my students used an article on an assignment about goal-setting that pretty much just bashed the skill. I can see where they're coming from - if not properly set and monitored, goals can be controlling. My goal of running a certain pace in a half-marathon can take away from the experience I'm having now. Without a goal, whatever I run or do in terms of physical activity is my own. With the goal, everything is partially mine, but in a way, it also belongs to that goal. Without the goal, I don't wonder where my pace is on training runs, how much weight I could drop to be faster, how many more runs I can get in before my hip gives out, etc.

What keeps me in charge of my goals so that they don't have power over me? I set them, sure, but they creep up and become obsessions on some days - days that I just feel like I need to bring a watch just to check the pace I'm running. ...I can see why some people are anti-goal. But, what I really want to know is what came first? The goal or the goal-setter? Did I authentically set these goals in a way in which I can authentically pursue them or did the culture of sport in which I was raised and apparently still reside force me to set them for myself? Would it really be the end of the world if I just ran a half-marathon without goals or direction? Everything inside me is screaming yes right now except that one little corner of my mind that always likes to ask, "Well, what if...?" Maybe I'll work more of this out later.

Week 4 Wednesday

No yoga this morning, but that's okay. That's actually probably better. I forget if I wrote this, but my hip is beginning to get screwed up again. Fortunately, I know exactly what it's problem is and I know it's a quick fix at a physical therapist's office. Unfortunately, my insurance is a piece of crap and wants a referral and I actually have to call them back later and see if they'll even cover an initial evaluation at a PT's office. Regardless, I put my hip back in place with the stretches they taught me and it held up for the three mile run I did today.

I came home and did dishes and cleaned because I was lacking inspiration for work or correcting my IRB application and then it was time to go rock climbing with Emily. We each did one climb because she didn't sleep last night and I wanted to go easy on my shoulder. The thing I love about climbing though is that I know I'll still feel it tomorrow! More good soreness is on it's way!

Two more runs and I get a little strategically planned break. It's strategically planned because I set it up for my two longest runs to be the two Saturdays that I will be in Florida in March. Brilliant.

Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers

Everyone loves a good picture of a baby zebra.

Emily is taking a class about stress management in which they are assigned to read a book called Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. Most of yesterday and today, I was thinking about stress. I feel very defensive about this - my mind tells me I'm not stressed. Chill out, you'll get everything done. And that's the truth. Everything that needs to be completed will be completed. I have a very appropriately challenging daily to-do list for each day of the week. It will get done! My body lets me know when I'm stressed, even if my brain refuses to acknowledge it. When I'm really stressed, I get dizzy, like today. Typically, my stress management technique is to exercise or eat a whole bunch of horrible food - I've done both of these things in the past 24 hours, for the record. However, it seems like the emotional investment I have in exercise right now may be causing some of my stress.

So how did I respond to this? I broke one of my rules and took out my watch. The way I see it, if I time a run and it's slower than expected, I get pretty down on myself. If I time a run and it's faster than expected, I remain pretty neutral about it because at some point in my life, I've done better. So huge hit on my self-esteem if I'm slow and typically no measurable benefit if I'm fast. But I needed a pick-me-up today and I was fairly certain that my pace had dropped at least a little bit from when I restarted in October. As it turns out, I was pretty amazed by the pace. Of course I needed to do a little self-handicapping anyway and point out to myself that the time does not take into consideration the light I had to stop at or the extra .05 miles I ran or the less-than-ideal weather conditions. You know, just to remind myself there's room for even better times. I developed my love for pace when I was younger. Regardless of the distance, I used to be able to tell you my time within a few seconds. Lately, I've regressed to needing about a 10-20 second interval for pace per mile. On this run, I had no idea where I was other than that it was gentle, but moving strong.

I can't say that taking out my watch significantly de-stressed me. I probably won't use it again for a while unless I use it Saturday to time my long run. I think what I accomplished there was just ensuring myself that I'm on track and that maybe returning to full-strength is actually a possibility. I rarely think about returning to the level I used to be. It's just a bit too painful when my hips are weak, my pace is slow, and I'm feeling heavy. At this point, I introduced a new question, that I would like to remain neutral about presently: when will the pace be fast enough? The pace I typically used to run? Whatever feels good and keeps me healthy? Whatever places in races? Whatever wins races? This last one is a scary thought. See? I'm not neutral, but that thought can remain dormant until that level of success looks to be approaching plausibility. I feel as if Dr. Jay will have something to say about that feeling, so I'm going to head it off early and say that I choose to process it later.

I think I like adding pictures to this collection of ramblings about exercise...

Week 4 Tuesday

Seven-mile run went incredibly successfully! I used my iPod for the entire run, but did not skip songs. I realize when I don't want to be in my head, I'll skip songs constantly looking for the one that will distract me. This is no longer the case - I think I'm weaning off of having to have a distraction while running. I interpret this to mean that it's beginning to feel pure again and I'm regaining the connection with nature that I previously had.

Emily and I also attended spinning. (That sounded so formal, weird.) We knew it was going to be super fun when immediately after the warm-ups our instructor informed us we'd be doing our first set of sprints. Ouch, but it felt pretty good. Despite the first twenty minutes feeling very slow, it picked up and ended up being a great workout.

I need to stretch and shower and do work and determine if yoga is a possibility tomorrow morning! Night!

I Am Obsessed with Structure

Here's a shout out to Janae for processing some of this with me via G-Chat since it has become less fun and more cold to process things while walking these days...

As I tried to think of a project for my KNH 654 class, I came to the realization that I love and miss structure. Structure makes the world a much simpler place. When people tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, I feel comfortable. Sometimes angry, but only when what they tell me to do it stupid and/or pointless. I've been implementing structure into my own life for quite some time. Every week, I take out a sheet of notebook paper and write down what day I want to do which assignment for the week. Naturally, I never schedule in times to answer ridiculous emails or handle my students' "emergencies," so that always takes away from my pre-bedtime free time. During that time, I've been wanting to read The Hobbit. I think this will be more of a Spring Break project. I also have A Farewell to Arms and 1984 to read. I'll be sure to document it here.

While I've been meticulously scheduling the work I want to do for my classes for about three years now, I have not been so strict about my exercise and physical activity patterns until recently. However, the exception to this is running. When I'm regularly running, I have a schedule. It's currently in an excel file and my mileage is planned about about two months in advance. Of course, I've had to redo this a couple times already since I've started my "comeback" in May, but that doesn't really bother me. I switched up my schedule when I felt a little burnt out from the pressure I was putting on myself to wake up and run every morning at 5:00 AM and then go to my summer job, which is a camp for kids with ADHD. The second time I had to switch my schedule, I had injured my SI joint and between recovering from that and the physical therapy, I was out for between 8-10 weeks and I had to practically start over.

My structure makes me feel safe. Adhering to structure makes me feel comfortable in the notion that I'm progressing in the right way. But who is to say what is right? I like to think I'm a pretty good candidate for being right about myself, but not always. Some people would say that the current schedule I'm using for exercise and training is too intense and it might be. But it's what I want at this moment. I think a lot of my comfort with structure goes back to sports. I trusted the structure that my coaches imposed and if I did not, I was ridiculously rebellious.

My favorite coach, only known as "Coach," would give us a preseason schedule with our mileage on it for each day. It was just written on a calendar and printed out for each of us. His workouts during the season made sense. Coach was always knowledgable, not only about our training, but about us as athletes and as people (junior high and high school girls). I think what I really respected about him in addition to all this was that he was incredibly humble about his expertise. I wanted to run well for myself, but also for a lot of other people, including him. One of the reasons I want to go back to Cleveland to run my first half-marathon is because it is likely that he'll see the results. I know he'd be proud regardless of my finishing time, but I also think deserves to be impressed. Coach did not simply train his athletes; he educated them about how to do it themselves, which I feel is something our youth sports culture is lacking. Few people know what do once they've graduated from the structure of high school or college sports, but I did. Fortunately for me and unfortunately for my last high school coach, I knew what to do before I even entered high school and I knew this most recent coach's methods, his favoritism, and his inflexibility would not work for me and would not work ideally for his female athletes. I'm still a bit bitter about my last high school cross-country season, but I have no time to whine about it today! I managed to accomplish everything I needed to get done last night for today and now I have to work on tomorrow - my stressful strategy of keeping my head above water after friendly visits.

The moral of the story is that I was an athlete that coaches either loved or hated. I like to take that a step further (mostly out of spite) and say that good coaches loved me and bad coaches hated me. While my feelings about structure were born in a sport context, I have since generalized my trust in structures created and imposed by people who I perceive as a combination of competent and passionate. But I'm still really rebellious and usually proud of it!

Week 4 Monday

Today is simply yoga day - that's what I was going to refer to it as until I hurt my shoulder doing it. To be fair, it wasn't just the hour of yoga; it was the combination of being fatigued from TRX and then yoga. Last time, I hurt it rock climbing and it only took a couple days to stop feeling bad sore (it's definitely not good sore). I am going to venture to say that I'm seeing some improvement in myself during the yoga classes. Despite being preoccupied with my shoulder, I was very aware of my body and noticed that some of the lower body movements are becoming a bit more fluid!

Que No Pare la Fiesta - Don't Stop the Party

I'm pretty certain that every class longer than 30 minutes I've been to so far at the rec center has had this song on it's playlist. And just about every time I hear it, it gets stuck in my head. I didn't know the Spanish part, so I finally looked up the lyrics and there it is.

I have a ridiculous amount of work to do today because I got next to nothing done all weekend. Having friends is tough. So unfortunately I need to make this quick. There isn't too much on my mind today anyway.

Week 3 Sunday

Emily and I went to an hour of spinning followed by a 45 minute TRX workout. I didn't feel as if I got as good of a workout as I could have. I think similar to yesterday, I was psyching myself out a little bit. I'm not sure why this is happening right now, but I'll put some thought into it. Psyching myself out about what I'm able to do is frustrating for me, so it will definitely be something I work on.

My body got a little bit out of control following the 9.5 miles. I had to find someone yesterday that understood what that felt like and why it was a good thing. The last time I can remember that happening to me was when I did 13 in eighth grade with a friend. The exhausted feeling is almost euphoric, but so is the crazy bodily symptoms like sudden ravenous hunger followed immediately by feeling a little sick, all while your legs feel extraordinarily strong, but also like jelly. I missed that feeling.

I think I used that feeling as a crutch for my workout today. I worked hard yesterday, so today I should just coast. Tomorrow is my off-day. I didn't need to coast through anything today. TRX was intimidating and I was not the best at it, but I tried and wasn't kicked out of the class for endangering others, even though I did do that once. It's tough to balance on your hands, in plank, with your feet elevated off the ground in straps...

Regardless, I want to keep going to that class. It's a pretty tight-knit community with three graduate students and myself from the KNH Department in class. It made it amusing and I think people felt a little more comfortable with their shortcomings because everyone (maybe most people) had them and felt comfortable putting them out in the open.

Long Run Day!

Before I document my awesome long run, I was going to address the previously posed question of, "Why now?"

If I want to get all nerdy, I would cite the Transtheoretical Model because it seems to make sense to me. Behavior changes occur in stages - I've been thinking about getting healthier for a while. I've been dallying in getting healthier for a while. None of it has ever been fully committed as long as I can remember, even when I was considered an elite athlete. I still don't believe I'm fully committed to a healthy lifestyle; I just ate a pint of ice cream while my friends while I watched a movie. But I do think I'm fully committed to a healthier lifestyle overall, but a particularly healthy lifestyle when it comes to physical activity and exercise. Actually, I'm not 100% sure what healthier physical activity would be, so it's probably more of an increased amount of physical activity as well as increased diversity in what I do for physical activity. I have been sticking to different exercises, different types of classes and movements, and even some strength training (which I hate).

But none of that explains why I started now. I think it was just various sources of pressure. There was pressure from myself because I wanted to run my first official half-marathon. There was pressure from the half-marathon itself, because as I said yesterday, I don't want to embarrass myself. There was pressure from my parents because I wanted to be motivating to them. I think this was the biggest reason. My dad recently had a sort of health scare and it is my personal belief that fitness and a healthy lifestyle needs to become a priority at home. I think I just want to show them that it's possible to change, even with a lot of other things going on like all of the demands of graduate school, the inability to have set hours or predictability, and having to unexpectedly answer to others. I want to go home in the summer and have my parents think that if I can make changes while still in school, they can make changes in their lives as well.

I believe this is why accountability was on my mind a few days ago. I want them to be intrinsically motivated for themselves to get healthier. I don't want them to feel that Nicole has done this or Nicole expects this so I ought to do it. Maybe that's why I haven't engaged in these behaviors before - it was expected being a KNH student or someone who claims to value health. It wasn't really mine.

Week 3 Saturday (Long Run)

It took me forever to find a route that I wanted to run. Historically, I've done long runs strictly on out-and-back courses. However, I've been running on a certain road and my experience last weekend was a little creepy. It was peaceful in the sense that I didn't see signs of human life for about a mile at a time, but it was creepy in the sense that I didn't see signs of human life for about a mile at a time. Regardless, I ran this road again, this time with my phone (my mom's influence). This afternoon did not have the greatest conditions: cold, snow, and wind. I was anxious about it before going out and hesitated a few times, making sure Robin didn't plan to go anywhere or need anything before I left.

I ended up running 9.5 miles. I thought I had passed the turnaround point, but I would rather be sure than to cheat myself, even if unintentionally. So I accidentally ran another half mile, making this particular run the longest run I've completed in at least six years, probably more. Daddy seemed proud when I texted him about it. After all these years, I still get excited when I get to share a sport accomplishment with my dad.

More milestones are coming up - I'm especially excited for ten miles next week!

Is it Possible to be Productive on a Friday?

It is. I'm choosing not to be productive. And it's just been one of those days. I went into Phillips thinking there was a presentation at 12:00 and that our "book club" would be moved to 1:30. There was no presentation. That's next week. I could have used a nap after data collection.

Week 3 Friday

I went to spinning today. Despite having to go without my workout buddy and not feeling particularly inclined to work hard today, I think it was the best I've done so far in this class. I had a friend coming in from Columbus (she's here now) so I decided to forego the abs class afterward.

I noticed in the spinning class this afternoon that I was without a doubt the palest person in the room. I have a theory that I shared with Robin (my friend from Columbus) based on some of the things I overheard on the way in and out of the class. I am the palest person because most other attendees are attending with the intentions of looking good for Spring Break. So in addition to attempting to lose weight, they have also been tanning. I suppose I could look into this question with some internet research: When did exercise become more about a number on a scale and less about fitness? Why aren't more people there with the primary intent to improve their cardiovascular fitness?

I realize that I'm biased because I'm training. I want nothing more than the ability to utilize more oxygen, create more work, and therefore, faster times. Obviously weight loss to an extent will also turn faster times, but I've run a six-minute mile at 165 pounds, so I think I can do it now with training. Regardless, one of the changes I would like to make for young athletes and exercisers is to educate them about the personal health benefits of proper fitness training rather than the aspects of exercised currently emphasized by our culture.

In the post below, I was asked why 16 Weeks. I have an answer that I'm rather certain is the real reason. (Sometimes I doubt whether what I consciously believe to be the reasoning for my actions is the actual driving force behind my actions.) Since I've been about five years old, I've had seasons. Those seasons started with when dance class began and ended when the recital occurred. Then it was soccer season, which included outdoor and indoor, and then it was track and cross-country, and finally just running, which had it's own seasons of base training, pre-season, and the season, culminating in the last meet until next season. 16 Weeks is my season. It's the length of my semester and it will culminate at the end of the semester into a tapering time and then a half marathon on May 18th (I think). I have not yet registered, but when I finish ten miles a week from tomorrow, I will! For the record, my goal for the half-marathon is to not embarrass myself. I intentionally chose to run this race from my home city of Cleveland. It was where my running career randomly began and where I would like to resume my competitive career.

With regard to my goal, it's very other-oriented, which bothers me a little bit, so I had put a number on it, but at this point, it may be a little too easy - under 8:45 pace for 13.1. We shall see. But after I'm done with this endeavor, I will create another one. It will be a new season with new expectations and demands from a new job, a new living arrangement, and a new gym, hopefully with people who are pale and fitness-focused like me.