Growing Up or Growing Old

To agree or disagree...

I went to a wedding as a plus one this weekend with a friend of mine from undergrad. Actually, I was first asked if I wanted to attend the rehearsal dinner on Friday night and I did. Free food that I don't have to make myself is always excellent as well as the drink vouchers. I had these intentions of going to the dinner as well so I could avoid going out afterward for too long. That's about as long as I succeeded. Other people seemed to be sucked into their undergraduate habits. I received five calls in a row in the middle of the night Friday/Saturday morning before I woke up to find out that a friend of mine had been detained by police. After working that situation out, I went back to sleep with much frustration and ended up getting another call from the same individual who was apparently at my apartment and wished to be let in. ...Completely untrue. Anyway, it made me question the importance of acting young and "playing" to avoid growing old. I loved being out on Saturday because I was able to be with the people with whom I spent four years growing up at Miami. Also, being in the presence of people who were my age or a few years older was a nice change of pace rather than my typical crowd of undergraduates. It actually made me excited to be done with school and doing something that contributes to society in some way. It also made me feel playful and like I'm actually in my early twenties. Sometimes I think I'm figuratively a little too old for my own good.

This is probably one of the first times that I'm also feeling nostalgic for my undergraduate experience and I'm doing that thing where I torture myself wondering, "what if." I realize I'm in graduate school and that "what if" with regard to the past is a pointless question to ask, but I'll do it anyway. I've found myself wondering whether if I had been a little more functional and had my issues worked out earlier in undergrad if I would be someone on the path to getting married or if I would have stronger friendships or if I would have experienced more than I did. Particularly with the last - experiencing more - I don't mean at all that I didn't have important experiences during those four years. In fact, I probably had more life experience than I should have. I specifically mean those fun experiences that fit in with stronger friendships. I feel as if I have a tendency to not allow people to stay too close to me for too long. So while everyone else was buddying up and getting involved, I was hesitating for whatever reason.

Because I was unable to sleep well Thursday night, at all Friday night, and for a very small amount of time Saturday night (and a little nap during the day today), I think I ought to wrap this up and post Week 15. I'm a little disappointed about not being able to get 10 in today, but I did sustain a minor injury as a result of a belligerent fraternity member and I'm just reveling in the past a little today and relaxing and recovering.

Week 15 Monday - Sunday

Monday I went to spinning again. I really enjoy this class, but I don't think it will be a good idea for tomorrow. I'd like to cut back a little bit in the next couple weeks, but I also need to get a little bit more done than originally planned for tomorrow due to the lack of academic accomplishments on my record this weekend.

Tuesday I ran five and went to my favorite TRX class.

Wednesday I ran three, went to TRX abs, and then Emily and I went to Buddy Bootcamp, which was kind of a workshop where you come with a partner and complete exercises with them. It was probably the most fun that I've had working that hard for as long as I can remember. It was challenging, but also funny. I think we both sustained some bruises.

Thursday I took off. I had to pick up my friend from the airport this night and I just recall not feeling like running during the day. I was probably too sore as well.

Friday morning I ran a nice easy five. On this run, I wasn't feeling a lot of pressure, which was a nice change of pace for me. I just went out and ran the pace I wanted without any distractions.

Saturday I went to 90 minutes of spinning. This class was amazing because first, it was a great workout, but it also gave me an hour and a half to process some of my anger, make a plan (not the greatest plan, but something that helped me feel better), and just move, which was exactly what I needed. I got home, got ready, and went to the wedding.

Research Karma...All Kinds of Karma

Alone, but not lonely.

I'm a little lonely, but only because I miss my puppy dog. Otherwise, I'm enjoying being by myself for the first time today for longer than ten minutes. Mondays are busy which doesn't mesh well with the notion that I do like to have time where I'm not accountable to anyone. I even told people to stop texting me. If I were really serious, I'd just turn off my phone. What a tempting idea.

My scary thing today was to talk to a room of 80 undergraduate students. I don't think I've ever talked in front of a larger group before. Dr. Flaspohler, a previous professor of mine, let me come into his class and desperately beg for participants. Hopefully I got two or three. Regardless, that's where the term "research karma" came up. I suppose I'm getting research karma - I nearly have enough people interested in the study, but I don't have everyone scheduled and I don't have the interviews on my phone. I've had two people reschedule so far... So, in short, keep praying and/or sending positive thoughts my way.

The other karma I wanted to write about was Big Brothers Big Sisters. As I wrote yesterday, I ended the match, but I probably didn't write that I had mixed emotions on the matter. The reason I started the program was because I had my summer internship at the Cleveland Clinic working with kids. It was the first time I worked with kids that intensively and when I came back to Miami for my master's, I realized a life full of grown ups was terrible. So I volunteered with idealistic notions of drastically improving the quality of life for a little girl. Then, my little wasn't little and I quickly realized that she required more than I could give to achieve significant improvements. But I stuck with it. That's why I felt relief yesterday, huge amounts of relief. I'm also going to miss her. She does make for good stories and lately, she's been pleasant. It's been nearly that close interaction I was looking for when I went into BBBS.

Here's hoping for a productive day tomorrow.

These Are Principles Which Every Man of Every Faith Can Embrace

What a week.

In honor of Boston, I watched Boondock Saints this weekend. And then I realized that one of the brothers in the movie is a main character in The Walking Dead. Clearly I had a lot of background noise going on this weekend. While Boondock Saints is always a good choice, The Walking Dead was probably not, particularly alone in my bed at 11:30 last night, particularly the pilot, which I've had people tell me is the most disturbing episode... As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I like this philosophy and it has paid off for me, although I have not practiced it every day. However, I don't think she was talking about watching extremely gory zombie shows right before bed. But I could be wrong.

I found out this week that I have a lead counselor position for the summer in the adolescent program at the Summer Treatment Program! The only experiences I've had with adolescents is Big Brothers Big Sisters (which ended today), a couple days at the afterschool program working with fifth graders (not really "adolescents"), and being one myself, but quite possibly not a typical one. This will present a scary situation for a few days of training and a few days or weeks of the program, so I'll be all set come June. Then I'll have to start trying front handsprings or something, more likely some speedier running work. That's terrifying.

I know it's because of the stress of finishing up school (which can be both good and bad), but lately I haven't felt much like running. I'm not sure what it is about running in particular - TRX hurts more, spinning lasts longer than some runs, kickboxing makes me sore for nearly a week, but it's been running that I have been shutting out. There is a fear of failure creeping into the back of my mind with running. Maybe because I understand it at a deeper level than any other form of exercise, but the evaluative nature of running has been weighing heavily on my mind. My pace isn't as fast, my body isn't as strong, and I have stopped feeling refreshed after I finish a run. I've been reflecting some and I know part of the reason is that last week, I completed 29 miles in four days. Fear of hurting my hip(s) is coming back and to feel like I have a grip on reality at all right now, I've been exercising a lot of control over what I can. I've been listening to both my mind and body, but I think they're being bad influences lately...

I feel like there's a lot more on my mind, today in particular, but I'm in bed, so maybe I'll write a little more during the week.

Week 14 Monday - Sunday

Monday I tried Kathryn's spinning class. There were a few other KNH graduate students there, which made it a more social experience than I'm accustomed to, but I liked it all the same.

Tuesday was TRX and spinning day (my favorite day)! Emily and I went to both classes. I'm reaching a plateau with TRX in the sense that I'm learning to pace myself in the class, but I haven't quite figured out how far I can push myself with it. I held a plank on both sides for a minute without dropping my hip down, which was a mini-goal that I've had for that class.

Wednesday I attempted a run. I got about a mile, felt like throwing up, so I turned around and walked home. I didn't beat myself up about it - I'm noticing that I'm making improvements here - I observe things about my runs and I respond emotionally, but I don't ruminate as much as I used to.

Thursday Emily and I went to kickboxing. I was tempted to leave because I found out the hard way that it's time to retire that particular pair of shoes for impact activity. My feet were killing me after 10 minutes.

Friday I ran three and headed straight to spinning. My hips were incredibly tight, so I took a couple breaks during the class to stretch them out, unnerving the instructor a little bit, as she asked me about it after the class.

Saturday I took off. I didn't leave my apartment all day.

Sunday I took off. I finished up with Big Brothers Big Sisters by hanging out with my little for the last time. I intended to run, but when I woke up the second or third time this morning, I simply did not want to. I know I could have made myself run, but it's my easy week with running and I'd like to be mentally refreshed for next week.

New Territory

New record!

I don't think I've ever run 12 miles before today. I've run about 13, but that's not 12, so as far as I'm concerned, this is new territory for me. My body also vouches for that, based on the way that I currently feel. I know at this point (actually, at all points), it's mostly a mental game and running for nearly two hours straight seemed a little intimidating this morning, particularly since I had a friend in town yesterday. What really helped was to imagine 12 miles as one mile. The race in which I was always most comfortable was the mile. There was so much that could be done with four laps on a track. Sometimes, specifically today, I imagine my long runs as four laps. When three miles passed, I imagined it as the first lap. I didn't look at the time until I was at the sixth mile also known as my water break, thankfully.

Regardless, I'd like to see the times going down and the runs getting easier. But, it's not the time of year for that, transitioning into hot weather and I'm definitely not setting myself up for success with my pace either. Two TRX classes and 90 minutes of spinning are not exactly fast-paced running-friendly. But I do like the diversity. Regardless, 12 has been officially completed and I'm one step closer to being where I want to be...even though I'm not completely sure where or what that is yet.

Week 13 Monday - Sunday

Monday I went to hardcore abs only. I think tomorrow I'm going to try a new spinning class.

Tuesday, I ran seven. The heat was nearly unbearable and warranted about a ten minute stop during the run to drink excessively from a water fountain at the park and also talk to some friends I stumbled upon there. Emily and I went to TRX expecting one instructor, but getting a different one and a very creative workout.

Wednesday, I went to TRX abs and ran three. It was still ridiculously hot, but three was much more bearable than seven.

I ended up taking Thursday off. I got some work done and watched "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."

Friday, I ran seven. It was much more tolerable than Tuesday's run, but I was a little exhausted.

Saturday was inSPINity! 90 minutes of spinning. Even that wasn't as daunting as it seemed it would be. I had fun listening to music and getting in a good workout. My hips were incredibly sore, but I stretched the out before, during, and after the workout.

Today was long run day. 12 happened and went relatively well.

No Such Thing as a Bad Long Run?

Seeing the trees for the forest?

I've been experiencing some mental and physical exhaustion lately...I blame school and the ridiculous demands of others...and myself. Regardless, it's been reflected in my workouts this week. My run on Tuesday was going well the first couple miles and then my mind started going. I even had my iPod to combat some of those midrun demons, but it wasn't working, so I stopped. (I had actually typed "quit" there and then changed it.) Anyway, I had the same urge to do that on Sunday during my long run, which was a little unnerving to say the least. I think the difference was that I couldn't justify stopping on Sunday like I could on Tuesday. Tuesday/Thursday runs are important, but with the simple base training I'm doing at the moment, I need to finish those long runs for physical and mental reasons. Therefore, on Tuesday I could say and believe I wasn't reaping any benefits from my activity. On Sunday, I knew finishing 11 would be a step toward mental toughness, even if I did not reap a lot of physical benefits...which based on the pace, I probably did not. To be fair though, I did throw up twice the night before and the night before that I had only slept about three hours.

I don't want the "let's call it a day" mentality to become a norm. I'd prefer to have a "push through" mentality. My physical therapist laughed at me yesterday when I went in to have my hip adjusted. He asked if I had been keeping up with the exercises and I replied that I had with a little blip around Spring Break, which was when I was coughing so excessively, I hurt my ribs. I let him know that I still got my runs in, but after that much pounding, I could not move well enough to easily flip over to tan, so PT exercises just weren't going to happen. He said he was not surprised that I ran through that. I wasn't either. People said the same thing when I had my stress fractures.

I'll catch up with my log now. It's a little barer than in weeks past.

Week 12 Monday - Sunday

I used Monday as my three mile run for the week. During my Individual Exercises classes, I stalked my students around the track and asked them about their lives. They're fun to talk to and I wish they'd approach me more.

Tuesday was the day I attempted to run and stopped around mile four. I still went to TRX with Emily, but didn't stay for spinning. I felt a little guilty about it - deviating from two things that I typically enjoy doing on Tuesdays.

Wednesday I went to TRX abs for the first time. A couple of my students go after class, so I thought I'd try it too. I had one of them set me up and ran in five minutes late when class actually ended... Ouch.

Thursday, six miles went infinitely better. It actually felt good. I took the iPhone, played my Indie Rock Pandora station (which I'm listening to now), and just explored. I found a few things of interest in Oxford and a new place to run with some shade.

Friday I took off...I was frantically running around campus to accomplish things and then went to Columbus for the night.

Saturday I got back just in time to get to TRX. I'm still sore from this workout, so I'm glad I was able to shock my body then because I haven't been as sore lately as when I started this whole project.

Sunday was long run day. I finished 11. The water fountain at Cook Field was not on despite it being in the mid 70s. Thanks, Miami. So I did end up taking a little break in Marcum Center (probably three or so minutes) to get water because by that point, I was dehydrated and on the brink of calling it.

Sometimes, I Guess There Just Aren't Enough Rocks

These are stones.

I'm finding a few things to be in limited amounts today, including my mental toughness. I actually ended a run early because I simply didn't feel like doing anymore. I know why and it makes it a little less frustrating, but not frustration-less.

For the duration of the semester, I will be a little frantic, but I'm planning to balance it out with some fun. My half-marathon training is going to peak in the next couple weeks and I will have quite a few demands academically. Friday I will be going to Columbus to catch up with Robin, who is moving to South Carolina for graduate school. I am finding myself very much NOT envious of her at this stage in my life. I have another day of miserable cold to withstand, four and a half more weeks of frantically working on school, and then time off! I don't know if I ever mentioned this here, but I have an interview in June for the School for Autism at the Cleveland Clinic... but talking about none of this helps me here and now. I know I ought to be staying a bit more present-focused, but it's tough when my mind is at home after Easter and it's on being at home five weeks from now.

I think the problem with my run today was that I wasn't really here. I came home after my classes a little irate. People seemed particularly rude today with their constant side conversations and it got on my limited nerves. I did set up a meeting with someone from the Rinella Learning Center to pitch my research and see if I can get some help recruiting students who were diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. That was definitely a step in the right direction. I'm meeting with him Thursday.

...I just reread that paragraph and I'm still not all here.

Week 11 Saturday and Sunday

Saturday I did a long run with my brother. Actually, he stuck with me for part of the way and then finished the last half a little faster. I felt incredible about it though. Despite giving him some crap about how he can't keep the pace I wanted (he goes faster), it felt empowering to hold a pace that was faster, but still comfortable.

Sunday I did a boring cross-training workout for 45 minutes then had Easter with the family!